I am watching Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, while I should be working on a paper for my Social Deviancy class. I just paused the movie because my eyes can't leave my white, floral coffee mug that is right in front of me. My mug contains hot tea, because those who know me know that I can't drink coffee unless I want to be awake for the next 3 days. Literally.
The hot tea inside of my mug has been cold for over 2 hours.
This is the fear that I have for so many of my dreams for my future.
My fear is that things and opportunities would be warm and ready to go,
but I would let them grow cold.
I thought to myself, "maybe I should write a blog about this?"
This was indeed an odd thought for me because I haven't blogged in over a year. I don't want to blog just because I have something to say, because what I say is just merely words.
However, perhaps someone else is walking through the same season. Perhaps, someone could identify with something written in this blog.
Fear.
I hate fear. I really do. I don't tend to be a fearful person, but I am in a season of my life that fear tries to creep in daily.
By definition, the word fear means:
an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief
that someone or something is dangerous,
likely to cause pain, or a threat.
I am in my Senior year of college and many ask the infamous statement,
"What are you doing with your future?"
I smile, usually. Laugh, maybe.
I know that the people asking me and others this simple question do not mean to offend or upset, and I understand that.
I have lots of answers I give. However, the truth is that I do not know exactly, and to be honest, it's making me fearful. I am afraid that a wrong decision towards my future could cause pain. It's the first time in my life that I don't know for sure what next step is.
I find myself asking my friends and mentors what I should do with my life and how I should go about it. I am looking for guidance in any way, shape or form.
I have told a lot of people a lot of things, but the truth is,
I am trying to control my future.
I want to please my family, my friends and my Jesus.
However,
I secretly think I want what I want. I feel awful for even typing that!
I have mapped out what I want to do and when I want to do it.
In the midst of my full-time job of planning and mapping out my entire life,
I humbled to say that I forgotten to listen to the still, small voice.
The voice that already has my life etched on his hand.
My purpose written by him on his heart.
The one who wants to dance on the moon with me.
The one who breaks open my rib cage and pierces my heart.
The one who loves me, simply for me.
I faintly hear the voice in the midst of the chaos that I have created, speak clearly:
"I have not asked you to have everything figured out."
Wow. Humbled.
Here I am trying to figure out everything all the time, when he only wants me.
All of me.
That includes my fear of future.
Philippians 4:6-9
6-7 Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
It's like I am wearing a [patagonia] backpack that is full of my fears and I am climbing up a enormous mountain.
The backpack is full of things that I was never even intended to carry, and it's heavy.
I have a strap on my chest that is latched tight to help equal out the weight.
The mountain would be much easier to climb if my bag was lighter.
I want to give this backpack to Jesus, but I don't even know how to.
You think it would be easy to hand over something so heavy, but I hold onto it tight.
The beauty in this is that all I have to do it unhook the latch.
Unhook the latch and let Jesus take the load off of me.
He wants to rip that backpack off of my back, and I believe he is in the process of doing so.
He wants to rip the backpack off of you, too.
My eyes drift again to the white, floral coffee mug in front of me and I think of the cold tea inside again.
I am reminded that this will be an ongoing process of trust with my Jesus and it will be a process indeed.
I am comforted by the hilarious fact that I can simply boil more water.
I don't have to be fearful of my future,
My future won't grow cold.
And if some odd reason it does, I always liked iced tea anyways.
LB
